Greetings Little One

This is the signal greatest technological achievement in all of human history.

The march of technology, from the first sparks of fire to the microprocessors of today, have led us to this moment of technological achievement. We have put human beings on the Moon, replaced vital organs by artificial means and gathered all of human history on a network that anyone in the world can access at any moment. 

But I am convinced that the single greatest technological achievement of humankind is the ability of Mommy to create and send me this:

Sending men to the moon was great, but this is better.

No Farmville

If Facebook still exists by the time you are reading this, which is looking doubtful based upon their recent series of privacy gaffs, one suggestion, little one:

No, wait.  Not a suggestion.  A demand:

Do not waste a moment, not one second of one moment of your day playing any Facebook games. 

In 2010, games like Farmville, which Mommy and I have never played and never even seen, have consumed the free time of more people than you could ever imagine.  There are literally hordes of previously sane human beings around the world sitting in front of computers, all alone, growing digital farms in their spare time.   

Don’t let this happen to you, little one. 

When people ask me how I am so productive, my first two questions are:

Do you sleep more than six hours a night?

Do you play Farmville?

If there answer to either question is yes, then I know exactly where to start.

Paint.  Read.  Play a sport.  Write.  Dance.  Knit.  Even play a video game with a friend.  But don’t allow your life to become consumed by something as inane and time-wasting as growing digital corn.

A chicken and a chicken

Courage is still not your strong suit, little one.

The aforementioned Peekaboo Barn iPhone app added three new animals to its program: a mouse, a chicken and a rabbit.

After updating the program, we played the game together. When the barn shook and we heard the sound of a pig or a horse, you happily swiped the door and opened it to reveal one of the program’s ten original animals.

When the barn shook with the new and unknown sound of a mouse, a chicken and a rabbit, you refused to swipe the door.  Instead, you looked at Mommy and me with great consternation and confusion. 

I had to open the digital doors for you.

Not the bravest little girl in the world, but still cute as a button. 

Peekaboo or paregoric?

Our savior, little one.

Peekaboo Barn on the iPhone.

Just when we thought it might be necessary to strap you down to the changing table or shoot you with a tranquilizer dart to remove your diaper, Mommy found this simple, little iPhone app that has you mesmerized.  It features a barn filled with farm animals.  Touch the barn doors and they open to reveal a farm animal.  The screen zooms in on the animals, the name of the animal appears on the screen, the animal makes an authentic sound, and then the cutest little voice in the world reads the name to you.  

You love Peekaboo Barn.  When you are playing this game, Mommy and I can do just about anything to you and you hardly notice.  As I said, you are mesmerized.   

And best of all, it’s actually teaching you.  Already, you understand how the touch screen words, swiping the doors when the barn begins to shake (indicating an animal) and touching the animal to return to the barn.  You’re also learning the names of the animals.  Just last night, you repeated the word cat, clear as day, after the little voice said the word. 

The best $1.99 that we’ve ever spent.  Honestly, i it had given us just one day of peaceful diaper changes, that would have been worth it.  But a week later, you still get excited when you hear the opening song play.   

And a couple days ago, I found Peekaboo Wild, a game from the makers of Peekaboo Barn that features African animals hiding behind grass.  

I often wonder what parents did to calm their screaming babies before these technological miracles. 

Then I am reminded that my mother soothed me with paregoric, a Schedule III drug that was used as a household remedy in the 18th and 19th centuries to calm fretful children.  In the twentieth century, it became regulated by the government, as it is an opium derivative, but some parents still applied it to the sore gums of teething children from time to time.

My mother was spoon-feeding it to me regularly.  Eventually I found an open bottle, drank the whole thing, and had my stomach pumped.

See how lucky you are to have Peekaboo Barn, little one?

Future geek

You sent me my first text message today, little one.  I was at a wedding in Bristol when I received this:

Faz 44(.& hh

Quite sophisticated with the use of the ampersand!  Someday you can tell me what the message meant.

And while we’re on the subject of technology, you apparently spent some time on the computer as well.  Your grandmother, who is staying for the weekend to take care of you and Mommy while I work and Mommy recovers from foot surgery, sent these photos just a few minutes ago.

I am a very proud Papa. 

Texting your status

When apart, Mommy and I communicate about you through texting, little one, and sometimes those texts can be quite amusing. Here are a series of texts that your mother sent me today while I was at a wedding and she was home with you.

Just put our crying girl down for a nap. She is not pleased.

Going to try out the new web design software.

Clara seems to be quiet.

Oh. Not quite. Raspberries and aboos (These are two sounds that you make when you are not happy, little one).

Oh. Full on crying now.

:(

Yay! Finally sleeping.

Nap 1.0 failed. Attempting to install Nap 2.0.

Just opened a 259 page manual that comes with WebStudio…

Nap 2.0 also buggy.

Your mom really is a funny lady at times. 

Advice for every new parent

Just so you know, little one, I've registered your .com and .net domain names so that when you're ready to start your own website or launch your own brand of designer fly swatters, it will be available to you. 

This also means that no one will ever be able to register your domain name for nefarious purposes.  Cyber-bullying, reputation smearing, the spread of deceitful and misleading information, and anonymous attacks cannot be done under your name. 

You will thank me for this one day. 

Disconnected

Mommy and I have been in Vermont for the last three days, so I fell behind on my posts. Though I wrote while I was away, Internet access was not possible, so I’m catching up by posting now.

By the time you are old enough to blog, Internet access will likely be ubiquitous regardless of the location.

You lucky duck.

The number you have reached is unavailable

Your mother and I purchased new cell phones yesterday as anniversary gifts to one another. It took hours to sort out the mess between Apple and AT&T (companies that I hope are bankrupt by the time you can read this), but at last we have our shiny new iPhones.

And now I think I have a solution for your mom’s inability to keep a cell phone charged, on hand, within earshot, and generally available to receive calls. It’s the BluAlert bracelet. This fashionable device fits around your wrist and vibrates when you receive a call, when your phone’s battery is low, and when you have moved too far away from your phone, reminding you to take it with you.

In the words one technology reporter:

It’s pretty much custom designed for the woman in your life who doesn’t answer her phone because “it was in my purse and I didn’t hear it” or “I forgot to take the phone with me” or “I forgot to charge my phone.”

Little one, we have one of those women in our lives, and that woman is Mom.

I think she’ll love the bracelet, even though the same tech reporter mentioned that the bracelet looks a bit like a leash.

Maybe Mom won’t notice.