Your mother is the greatest stocking stuffer of all time, little ones. Santa fills yours, and he’s good, but I think Mommy might be better. Check it out:
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Another Christmas and another outstanding haul of gifts from my amazing wife, who understands me so well.
Some people wish for cashmere sweaters, brand new video game systems, stylish watches, and jewelry. My hope is often for the least pretentious, most unexpected, quirkiest little gift possible, and she never fails to deliver.
For the past five years, I’ve been documenting the gifts that Elysha gives me on Christmas because they are so damn good. Every year has been just as good as the last, if not better.
For point of reference:
- My 2009 Christmas haul
- My 2010 Christmas haul
- My 2011 Christmas haul
- My 2012 Christmas haul
- My 2013 Christmas haul
This year was simply divine.
In case you can’t tell from the photograph, my collection of gifts from this year includes:
- A nerf football, for the express purpose of teaching my children to catch the pigskin
- A pencil that doubles as a catapult, that my brother (who runs a Christmas Tree Shop) informs me is illegal to sell in both New York and New Jersey, making this gift even more bad ass
- A pen that doubles as a hammer, for those days when someone or something needs a good whap
- A new screwdriver to replace the six screwdrivers floating around the kitchen drawer (my wife deeply understands my desire to minimalism)
- Goodnight Darth Vader, an amusing book about Darth Vader’s attempts to put a young Luke and Leia to sleep at night
- A mini bowling set for those moments at my desk when instant amusement is needed
- A substance called Cyber Clean, which Elysha doesn’t seem to understand but looks and moves like silly putty, so who cares?
- A voice changer that makes your voice sound like the voice distortions that you hear on television when a person is telling state secrets but wishes to remain anonymous
- A yoga mat (not pictured)
- My favorite gift of 2014: A pad of “Told You So” tickets. As you may know, “I told you so” are my four favorite words. I even have an “I told you so” calendar. Despite protestations of some. Or many. And this pad is both a clever idea and brilliantly designed.
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