Greetings Little One

Resolution update: 2014 in review

My year in review, little ones.
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In an effort to hold myself accountable, I post the progress of my yearly goals at the end of each month on this blog. The following are the results through December and through the end of 2014.

In 2014, I managed to completed 15 out of the 25 goals that I set for myself back in January for a 60% completion rate. This is actually fairly good in comparison to previous years.

In the four years that I have been charting my goals, my completion rates have been 60% (2013), 30% (2012), 62% (2011) and 44% (2010).

In examining my successes and failures, I’ve noted the following:

• I had four goals related to storytelling and public speaking, and I managed to complete them all.
• I had seven goals related to writing and completed four of them. I failed to complete the two novels that I wanted to finish in 2014, as well as the children’s books that I had hoped to sell, primarily because of a book that required more revision than I had anticipated. A great deal of progress was made, however, on those three failed goals.
• I had four goals related to personal health and completed three of them, falling five pounds short of my weight-related goal.
• I completed both of my organizational goals of the New Year.

My biggest disappointment of 2014 was the goal related to podcasting. I looked forward to launching a podcast all year and allowed technical challenges to stand in my way. I should’ve been podcasting two years ago.

There were three goals that I did not continue to actively pursue in 2014. My desire to become certified as a high school teacher waned as I realized all that I would be giving up to leave the position I currently hold.

I also made no real attempt to run another A-Mattzing Race in 2014. Though I’ve loved running them in the past, there was simply no time for  race in 2014. I launched a summer writing academy instead and am happy with the tradeoff.

I also made no attempt to write any short stories in 2014. I wrote two short stories in 2013, but both were written upon waves of inspiration (and in one case, a bet). When short stories became an expectation rather than a surprise in 2014, the desire waned considerably.

Here are the final results from 2013:
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1. Don’t die.

Most important goal accomplished.

2. Lose ten pounds.

I was down eight pounds at one point, but as I end the year, I am down just five pounds. Weight goals are hard given the food that is eaten in the holidays. You almost need a buffer going into December to avoid the holiday bounce.

3. Do at least 100 push-ups and 100 sit-ups five days a week.

Done.

4. Launch at least one new podcast.

My goal was to launch a second podcast in addition to the first, which never got off the ground. Almost all of the problems with this are related to my website, which is badly in need of an update. My intention was to rebuild the entire website myself, so I could make changes and updates in the future without relying on someone else, and I still intend to do that. 

5. Complete my sixth novel before the end of the summer 2014.

This book is more than halfway finished. My primary stumbling block was my fifth novel, which I revised throughout much of 2014. I thought this book would be finished by February, but when work on it continued, the other writing projects suffered.

6. Complete my seventh novel.

This book is more than halfway finished. Same problems as above.

7. Sell one children’s book to a publisher.

My agent and I swapped by three manuscripts back and forth throughout 2014. They are currently back in my hands and nearly ready to return to her. She will pitch them in early 2015, and with some luck, an editor will like one or more of them enough to make an offer.    

8. Complete a book proposal for my memoir.

The proposal for a memoir comprised of 30-40 of my Moth stories is complete. The process of sending the book to editors for their consideration has begun.

A memoir comprising a season of golf is also complete. My agent and I are in the process of preparing the manuscript for sale.

Work also continues on a memoir that focuses on the two years that encompassed my arrest and trial for a crime I did not commit. These two years also include an armed robbery, the onset of my post traumatic stress disorder, my period of homelessness, and the time I spent living with a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Work also began on a new book which will be part memoir and part instructive.

9. Host at least one Shakespeare Circle.

I scheduled this for December 27, but because of the holidays, I was unable to get enough people to attend to make it happen. I have lots of interest but waited until the last minute and chose a date that didn’t work with most. I plan to reschedule for early 2015. 

10. Write a screenplay.

Done! Back in my hands with notes from my film agent. She likes it. I’m thrilled.

11. Write at least three short stories.

I failed to write a single short story in 2014. After writing two short stories in 2013, I thought that three was a reasonable goal. 

12. Write a collection of poetry using existing and newly written poems.

My agent has spoken. Not only does poetry not earn any money, but she doesn’t think my poetry is worth my time in terms of time and money. She encouraged me to send some of my better poems to journals and contests, which I may do at some point. Many of my poems are autobiographical, and it turns out that at least a few will make excellent Moth stories.

13. Become certified to teach high school English by completing one required class.

I remain one class and $50 away from completion. I’m also a lot less certain about wanting to teach English at the high school level. I kind of love my job as it stands. Why change?

That said, having the additional certification would be great in terms of future endeavors.

14. Publish at least one Op-Ed in a physical newspaper.

Done! In October I published an Op-Ed in the Hartford Courant about communicating with students in the digital world.

My third column in Seasons magazine also published in December.

I also published a piece in The Cook’s Cook, a magazine for aspiring food writers and recipe testers. You can read the April-May issue here.

15. Attend at least 10 Moth events with the intention of telling a story.

I competed in a Moth StorySLAM in New York on December 29 at The Bitter End and won. 

This brings my total number of events for the year to 17.

16. Win a Moth GrandSLAM.

Done!   

17. Give yoga an honest try.

I took my first yoga lesson in November and practiced for about three weeks before a shoulder injury forced me to stop. I’m beginning physical therapy on the shoulder next week and then will return to my morning yoga ritual.

18. De-clutter the basement.

Done!

19. De-clutter the shed

Done! I dislodged a mouse family, filled the back of my truck with junk, and now I have an empty, organized shed.

20. Conduct the ninth No-Longer-Annual A-Mattzing Race in 2014.

Didn’t even come close to making this happen.

21. Produce a total of six Speak Up storytelling events.

Done! We produced a total of eight shows in 2014.

22. Deliver a TED Talk.

I delivered a TED Talk in March at Brooklyn Boulders in Somerville, MA.

23. Set a new personal best in golf.

I played golf last week. Not well. I finished the year tying my personal best for nine holes but failing to beat it.

24. Find a way to keep my wife home for one more year with our children.

25. Post my progress in terms of these resolutions on this blog on the first day of every month.

Mommy creation

Mommy made play mats for you, little ones.

Clara’s play mat is covered with castles and gardens, and along with it, she ordered hand painted princesses from someone on Etsy.

Charlie’s play mat has roads on one side and train tracks on the other, and Mommy bought small cars to go along with it.

Both play mats can be rolled and tied up, and they come with matching pouches.

She worked hard on them, little ones, and happily, you adore them. 

       

Stuck behind the glass

  

Post Christmas tree treats

    

Chopping down the Christmas tree

Different than last year, little ones. No snow on the ground. Slightly warmer. And Charlie can walk this year.

Still so much fun!

    

My 2014 Christmas haul

Your mother is the greatest stocking stuffer of all time, little ones. Santa fills yours, and he’s good, but I think Mommy might be better. Check it out:

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Another Christmas and another outstanding haul of gifts from my amazing wife, who understands me so well.

Some people wish for cashmere sweaters, brand new video game systems, stylish watches, and jewelry. My hope is often for the least pretentious, most unexpected, quirkiest little gift possible, and she never fails to deliver. 

For the past five years, I’ve been documenting the gifts that Elysha gives me on Christmas because they are so damn good. Every year has been just as good as the last, if not better.

For point of reference:

• My 2009 Christmas haul
• My 2010 Christmas haul
• My 2011 Christmas haul
• My 2012 Christmas haul
• My 2013 Christmas haul

This year was simply divine.

 

In case you can’t tell from the photograph, my collection of gifts from this year includes:

• A nerf football, for the express purpose of teaching my children to catch the pigskin
• A pencil that doubles as a catapult, that my brother (who runs a Christmas Tree Shop) informs me is illegal to sell in both New York and New Jersey, making this gift even more bad ass

• A pen that doubles as a hammer, for those days when someone or something needs a good whap
• A new screwdriver to replace the six screwdrivers floating around the kitchen drawer (my wife deeply understands my desire to minimalism)
• Goodnight Darth Vader, an amusing book about Darth Vader’s attempts to put a young Luke and Leia to sleep at night
• A mini bowling set for those moments at my desk when instant amusement is needed
• A substance called Cyber Clean, which Elysha doesn’t seem to understand but looks and moves like silly putty, so who cares?
• A voice changer that makes your voice sound like the voice distortions that you hear on television when a person is telling state secrets but wishes to remain anonymous

• A yoga mat (not pictured)
• My favorite gift of 2014: A pad of “Told You So” tickets. As you may know, “I told you so” are my four favorite words. I even have an “I told you so” calendar. Despite protestations of some. Or many. And this pad is both a clever idea and brilliantly designed.

Christmas morning, 2014

    

The cat peed and pooped and vomited on our Christmas preparations, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Mommy and I left about 80% of our preparations for Christmas until December 24.

• We had presents to buy and wrap.
• We had not purchased any food or drink or even decided upon the menu for the eight adults and six children who would be coming to our home.
• We had not cleaned the house in any meaningful way.
• The Christmas tree still lacked at least two strings of lights.
• We had yet to visit with Santa for photos.

Maybe it was closer to 90% of the preparations still undone.

This was not a big deal. We had the whole day to complete these tasks, even with you guys underfoot. Divide and conquer. Be efficient and productive. Rule the day.

And we did. Everything was accomplished by the end of the day, which for me ended around midnight and for Mommy around 1:00 AM. We even had some fun in the process. We had photos taken with Santa in the morning. Enjoyed breakfast together. Sat down for a lovely dinner as a family. Read to the children before bed. After they were asleep, Mommy and I listened to Christmas music while she baked and prepped and I cleaned and de-cluttered the house.

In fact, the entire day would’ve gone off without a hitch except for one thing:

I blocked the basement door with two empty boxes of Christmas ornaments, thereby blocking the cat door which allows our cat, Owen, access to his litter box in the basement. The door was blocked for more than a day.

As a result, the cat peed in Clara’s room, on her sleeping bag, some toys, a pillow, and more.

Then he pooped on our bed.

Then he came downstairs, stopped at my feet, and vomited on the living room floor.  

This threw a wrench into our plans. A monkey into our schedule. It sucked away vast amounts of time that were needed for wrapping and baking and buying and cleaning.

But here’s the great thing about this horror show:

Mommy and I laughed about it. We almost cried, too, but once that moment passed, we laughed. Worked together. Praised our washing machine’s sanitize cycle. Tossed a few items away. Made liberal use of the Lysol. Moved on.

We even had an amusing story to tell the next day.

I have a friend who thinks Mommy and I were insane for saving so much holiday preparation at the last minute. She even offered to come over and help wrap presents. I told her that I eat pressure for breakfast and love a good challenge. I assured her that we would be fine.

But in truth, it has a lot to do with the relationship that Mommy and I have. The perspective that we share. Our ability to work together. The trust we have in each other. The faith we have in ourselves. Our propensity to divide and conquer. Our shared values over what is important and what is not.

It’s why we are able to laugh at our cat’s decision to turn our bedrooms into his bathroom.

It was horrible and gross and enormously time consuming, but it was certainly not the end of the world.

And when the sun rose on Christmas Day and you  scurried down the stairs, you were were greeted with a fully decorated tree, piles of presents, stuffed stockings, and a plate of half-eaten cookies from Santa Claus. And Mommy and I were thrilled with the gifts we received from each other.

 

Later on, our friends and family came. A steady stream throughout the day and a formal dinner in the evening. We ate and drank and talks and debated and were merry.

We even had a homeless man stop by.

A grand day, thrown together the day before amidst the vomit, urine, and poop of a justifiably annoyed cat.

The holiday season doesn’t have to begin weeks before if you remember what’s important and stop worrying about the little things that no one notices except you.

My daughter’s grandmother is sadly more Susan than grandmother

I wrote this about you, little one.

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We were trimming the tree. Decorating the house for Christmas. My daughter and son had found the nativity scene music boxes in the box of Christmas decorations and were staring at them. Studying them. Obsessed with them, really. 

Both music boxes were given to me by my mother on Christmases past. They mean a lot to me because I have so little from my mother. She had so little when she died. Almost nothing, really. These two nativity scenes and a handful of photographs might be the only items I have that my mother ever touched.

“Be careful with those,” I told Clara. “They mean a lot to me. My mother gave them to me.”

“You mean Susan?” she asked.

Clara has my mother’s middle name. She knows that my mother’s name was Susan, and she knows that my mother died before she was born. But it suddenly occurred to me that Clara has never really thought of my mother as her grandmother.

And why would she? Clara has a grandmother. She calls her Nani, and she sees her all the time. Loves the daylights out of her. It’s hard to have a relationship (or even imagine a relationship) with anyone who you’ve never met and will never meet. Especially when you are five years-old. I explained to Clara that Susan was her grandmother, even if they never had the chance to meet.

Clara listened intently. “Oh,” she said. “Okay.”

Clara may start to refer to Susan as her grandmother. If not soon, certainly later in life when things like this make more sense to her. But it occurs to me that my mother will never be anything more than grandmother in name only.

As old or wise as Clara becomes, my mother will never be a real grandmother to her, because she never know her. As many stories as I may tell about my mother, Clara will never really know the woman with whom she shares a name.

To Clara, her grandmother will always be Susan, mother of Daddy, stranger forever. 

It’s one of the great sorrows of my life. 

Hanukkah!

Three menorahs. One cardboard. One wooden. One with real candles.