Never

I vow the following things, little one:

I will never place a Baby on Board sign on my vehicle based upon the ludicrous notion that to do so will alert drivers to operate their vehicles more safely while in our vicinity. If this were true, it would be entirely reasonable for me to criticize and condemn any parent whose baby suffers injuries in a car accident if he or she failed to equip their vehicle with this warning sign.

Which, of course, would be ridiculous.

I will also never intentionally use the phrase play date when referencing the opportunity for you and a friend to spend time together. This is a phrase born from parents’ over-involvement in their children’s lives, as no self-respecting ten-year old would have ever come up with such a phrase on their own. When parents overly involve themselves in their children’s friendships or attempt to identify the right kids with whom their child should play, this is what can happen. In fact, if any of my friends had used the phrase play date with me as a kid, I would’ve called them a pansy and punched them in the nose.

You can go over a friend’s house, have a sleep-over and even make plans, but there’s no way that you’ll ever have a play date if I can help it.