Lighten up!

I spent the weekend with six sets of parents who have very different opinions on how to raise children. Sitting on a beach beside a lake, some of the parents watched their children with constant vigilance while others were considerably less concerned about the child’s chances of drowning. One parent called out to her son every 5 minutes to see if he was okay while another had recently purchased a pellet gun for his son and was debating allowing the kid to climb into a canoe with the gun and take it to the island in the center of the lake. The rest of the parents, including his wife, expressed surprise and displeasure over his decision.

As they talked about the difference in their parenting styles, cajoling and teasing one another over their intense concern for their children or lack thereof, I became thoroughly impressed with their ability to laugh at one another’s parenting decisions without offending or angering one another. In my experience, parents do not handle criticism well, whether it’s serious or in jest. Freely commenting on someone’s parenting decisions, let alone teasing them about it, is taboo in many circles.

Yesterday my friend’s son was heading off to college, driving 12 hours to get there. She was worried about the kid and waiting for the text message telling her that he had arrived safely, and in order to try to settle her nerves a bit, I asked her if she would be equally worried if her son was taking 12 one-hour drives. She admitted that she would not and laughed about the idea.

When she told this to another woman on the golf course, the woman stared at me and said, “Do you have children?” I said no but that we were expecting. She smiled disingenuously and said, “Well, there you go,” as if my lack of children explained such a ludicrous perspective.

I wanted to immediately wrap my 7-iron around this lady’s neck. Had I not been visiting my friend’s golf club and therefore on my best behavior, I might have shot back that I did raise a step daughter from the age of 5 and know a little bit about parenting and the worrying that parents do over their children.

I might have told her that I am a teacher of ten years and have quite a deal of experience with kids.

I could have explained to her that simply because she does not play a musical instrument or sing doesn’t mean that her opinions on music are invalid, and in the same way, people who have not raised children can still have valid opinions on the matter.

I could have told her to wipe her goddamn disingenuous smile off her face, but like I said, I was on my best behavior.

I’m hoping, little one, that your mom and I find ourselves in the company of people who can laugh, tease, discuss and disagree with our friends’ parenting styles in a comfortable, understanding atmosphere. It’s my expectation that I could sit amongst friends on a beach and laugh at the overly concerned, argue with the father who has just given his eight year old son a 12-inch hunting knife, and freely comment on parenting in an atmosphere of friendship and camaraderie.

In short, it is my sincerest hope that I do not have to suffer in the company of a parent like the one who I met on the golf course today. Parents so easily offended at a comment or joke about their parenting style are too insecure and annoying for my tastes.

Perhaps, little one, we could develop a parental questionnaire for you to administer to the parents of any would-be friend that you are thinking about making.

Save dear old Dad a lot of grief.

Comments

[EB]

It could be that there are two types of parents, one that feels that they are doing a good job parenting and another that are just happy that none of their decisions have led to any overly egregious results. The latter group is probably much more likely to laugh off criticisms. I think I had originally (originally meaning here "before I had kids") thought I would be in the former category, but as it turns out, I am quite shocked that some of my decisions have not had worse repurcussions than they did. It must be that Nature knows that we're idiots, and the only safeguard against us completely screwing up the next generation is to endow our children with sufficient self-raising capabilities.

"simply because she does not play a musical instrument or sing doesn’t mean that her opinions on music are invalid"

Well, in many cases, even people who know how to play an instrument have invalid opinions of music. I would argue that someone who has not spent the time studying or at least critically evaluating music can not judge it beyond being able to say "I like this and don't like that."